SIDS New Zealand

Grieving and Supporting

Grief: No Rights and Wrongs

Disbelief, shock, guilt, blame and anger are common feelings following loss. It is helpful to remember that the process of adjusting is slow and that you may mourn for a much longer time than you anticipate – or want. Three years is not an unusual length of time.

“Whatever way you grieve, know that it is the right way for you, that you are normal, and that it is healthy to grieve.” Dorothy

“Privately, I have varied emotions over the death of our grandson. Sometimes I feel depressed. These feelings can last for days. At other times I am happy for knowing the ‘little bloke’ and the joy he brought to all of us. I remember saying shortly after his death, ‘At least we had one Christmas with him’.” Mike

“After such devastation I couldn’t imagine how I could not only survive, but live and breathe without feeling pain and guilt. Guilt plays such a large part in our grief. How can you rationalise a baby dying before its grandparent?” Lorraine

A Child Suffers – Yours

It can be a real struggle to ‘be there’ for an adult child who is suffering from such a monumental loss when you are feeling bereft yourself. However, being available might be the best and only thing you can do at this time.

You see your child suffering and you grieve too. This is natural although knowing this won’t make it easier or any less difficult.

“I also remember the day Rhys died and I walked into his bedroom and my son was draped over the cot crying for his little son. I walked up behind him intending to place my hands on his shoulders and comfort him. [But] I wasn’t able to say or do anything. I have never felt so inadequate as a parent.” Mike

“The feelings I had when Amie died are hard to explain. I was mourning for my granddaughter and I was so helpless because I couldn’t fix the hurt that [the parents] were suffering. After all, a mother is supposed to be able to take away the pain and fix things.” Anonymous

Support for You and Your Family

Support for Yourselves

Grandparents are often at a point in their lives where they may have experienced a number of losses. Perhaps you already have experience supporting family and friends through grief and loss. You need to ensure your children (the parents) have support, but it is also essential that you have support.

Do not underestimate the impact that this death will have on you. Your grief is real and painful. You need support in your own right.

Grief is an individual thing. Partners may grieve in different ways. Try to talk with your partner about your feelings and thoughts so that you better understand each other’s needs. If you find it is too difficult to talk about how either of you are feeling directly, then try and discuss how to be a comfort to each other.

It may be that you or your partner needs solitude or that one of you is comforted by looking at photos of your grandchild while the other finds it unbearable. It will help to know these things about each other.

We often find that grief can stir up other painful memories. Talk about your feelings with others. Friends and family members are the usual ones to turn to for a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Some people find that talking to a counselor, general practitioner or religious adviser is helpful. Your own religious, cultural and spiritual beliefs may be of great comfort and help in dealing with your grief.

Others find reading useful. Writing a diary may help to get your thoughts and feelings off your chest. Writing poems, doing something practical and creative like gardening, building or sewing may help you to express feelings that are too difficult to put into words.

Disturbed sleep and eating patterns are not uncommon with grief. It helps to get some exercise, eat nutritious food and generally take care of yourself.

“My wife has different feelings and thoughts from me. I respect that and in no way have I tried to sway her from her opinions. Together we monitor each other, maybe not knowingly, but I’m sure we do.” Mike

Supporting Grieving Parents

Family is where most people find care and support. It is natural that we turn to those closest to us – those who will take the time and the care needed to provide concrete, gentle and much-needed support.

No decision has to be made quickly. Ask if the parents would like help in practical ways. Create opportunities to listen and to show you care. Everyday things like shopping, preparing food and looking at photos provide these opportunities.

Following such a shocking loss, bereaved parents may feel overwhelmed by their feelings and think that everything is out of their control. So taking time, slowing down and giving your calm, unhurried support to the parents can be very helpful. It’s a good idea if the parents themselves have as much control as they can manage in the circumstances.

As the parents try to come to terms with the reality of their child’s death, they may want to take their own time to adapt to life without their child. Things like sorting out the child’s bedroom or nursery, or clearing up the unused bottles of baby’s formula in the refrigerator, can only be done when the parents are ready.

A grieving mother once described finding some greasy little fingerprints of her child at the bottom of a wardrobe mirror – and never cleaned them off. It is a good idea to check with the parents if you want to touch your grandchild’s belongings.

Avoid suggesting that the care the child received was less than adequate.

Here is what some bereaved parents said of the support they received from their parents.

“My dad never said anything at all, but I knew from the look in his eyes that he shared my grief. The fact that they were grieving too for Alyce, really helped me…Also, they (especially mum) were the only ones who knew me well enough to give me confidence to believe in myself and that I really did the best I could at the time.” Angela

“Luckily my mother and mother-inlaw were around to take over his [the surviving twin’s] feeding, bathing, etc, allowing me the space I needed just to exist. Everything was such an effort. If breathing had not been automatic I think I would have stopped that too.” Carin

Your Other Children

A child’s death affects many people. Your other children will have their own grief. They may see things differently and express themselves in different ways.

“My other son, Rhys’s uncle, also suffered from the loss, not that he will talk about it, but I know he is hurting. As a parent and a grandparent your feelings are stretched across the immediate family.” Mike

“We watched our other daughter, Vanessa, pick up the phone and notify friends and relatives of little Josh’s death. She asked, ‘Mum, how can I make it better for my brother, look at poor Dad. What can I do?’ She, as a daughter, sister and auntie at the age of 18, also felt devastated and useless.” Astrid

“I found that we all grieved in different ways at different times. To comfort, to listen, be understanding, and to have a shoulder ready to cry on, helped us all. We don’t feel ashamed, foolish or weak by showing and sharing our emotions. I feel that this is a healing process.” Dorothy